(I typed this yesterday, but blogger wouldn't work for me....so he was 9 mos. yesterday.)
Today Easton is 9 mos. old. I wish I had him in my arms enjoying the baby phase, but I don't. I do have pictures though, which for an adoptive mama is like getting gold! I have found it easier to wait this time since Olivia is home. Don't get me wrong, I am ready for him to be here too, but Olivia keeps us busy. Our home isn't empty.
I look at him and I worry (which I did nonstop with pictures we would receive of Olivia). I worry about all of the unknowns medically. I worry about the adjusting time. I worry about just looking at a picture for 14-18 months and then the bonding time. That to me was very difficult. I am glad that I do not fantasize adoption. Its hard. There was nothing easy about our transition with Olivia, so I am praying for an easier one with Easton. I am preparing myself, though, for the worst and praying for the best.
I worry about Olivia being a sibling and not an only child. In some ways, we are still adjusting with Olivia. I know most see that she has been home over a year and think everything is easy go lucky now, but we still have our struggles. The truth is, she has still spent more time in Korea than she has here. The truth is that we are her 4th set of caretakers. The truth is she was a week shy of 19 months when she came home. She has said some things that make us think she remembers. I want her to remember as she grows, but I don't want her to be sad, that breaks my heart. We talk about it often, and try to reassure her that we are not going anywhere, but I know she has anxieties. Why wouldn't she be nervous? In her head, things were great with her foster family, but that was ripped away one day. I don't know when that confidence will come for her that says that we are here to stay forever, but I don't think we are there. We went out of town last week and in that one week, John and I both noticed her language regress. It was very odd and something that alarmed me. I think she was stressed/worried.
I am still a jealous mama sometimes. I hate that, but I am. I would not change the fact that Olivia is my child for the world! I would not change that she is adopted or birthed in Korea for anything. I love my child so much! I do, however often wrestle with "is this an adoption issue or a normal toddler issue." I am betting this is normal, but it can be frustrating.